(901): Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

(413): Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, “…oh sorry, wrong room…” so awk.

(214): How are ur friends?

(512): One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I’m sleeping in the car

(914): dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.

(260): Babe did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?

(616): If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

(920): Don’t ask me how or why, but I’m drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

(260): A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

(310): Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

(763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language